When people request a Slayer song they never say “Hey, why don’t you play some Slayer?”. Fuck no. Instead, it’s always “PLAY SOME SLAAAYYYAAARR!” Yes, ALWAYS. No exceptions. No alternatives. Because it’s motherfucking SLAYER.
Today we mourn the passing of a heavy metal legend. Of course he goes out in a METAL kind of way. A flesh-eating disease allegedly caused by a spider bite? It doesn’t get much more metal than that, unless you’re Mayhem; they own the top two positions of the heavy metal death podium. Because Norwegian Black Metal. Also it’s another reason the Jihad against any and all spiders isn’t big enough. It must never end until EVERY SPIDER IS DESTROYED WITH FIRE. Of course the result would lead to a mosquito overpopulation, and the inevitable death of another guitarist by West Nile contracted by a mosquito bite. The eventual Mosquito Jihad won’t be easy. Bastards fly.
Our spirits must be lifted with something brilliant during this dark time, and who better than BRAZIL. They never fail. “Brazil” is Portuguese for “Amazing shit”, which they don’t deny. Not one race run there has been “dull” (I’m not even sure they have a word for that). A cloud of blinding dust at the start line? CHECK. Surprise downpours? CHECK. Surprise HAIL DOWNPOURS? CHECK. Parking cars on Marco Andretti’s head? CHECK. Parking wet cars on top AND bottom of a very wet Simona de Silvestro? CHECKCHECKCHECKCHECK.
Do your best, Brazil. Nah, just do your USUAL, Brazil. Wait, I don’t think that word exists to them, either.
Brazil, just be Brazil.
Which probably means a blizzard of skydiving Brazilian models on military maneuvers followed by a MOAB exploding off the coastline, causing a temporary flood on lap 41…?
(TV schedule, Predictions, Pre-race Snack of the Week and Metal Tune to Rock Your Sh*t after the jump)